When thinking of my dreams lately, I've either become realistic, or pessimistic, I'm not quite sure which one.
Years ago, I used to dream of being on the west-end, or even just on stage professionally, somewhere. I used to feel like it was possible, because, well, why not? However, as the years have passed, this dream has felt further and further from possible. Now, I've convinced myself that even just getting back into theatre as a hobby would be tough for me.
It's been 9 months since I've been on a stage and it feels like much longer.
The realism part comes from knowing my talent is limited. I think I've actually got quite a sensible grasp on how talented I am or am not. Without sounding arrogant, I am good (as a singer/actor), or at least I was before I got out of practice, I'm impressive on an amateur stage, but would probably fade into the background or crumble professionally. At least that's how I see it. And that's okay, I understand that. There's nothing that can be done about a limited talent, and I'm not even sure if I'd be suited to the lifestyle of professional theatre anymore anyway. I guess I'd be happy to settle for getting back into amateur groups, but it isn't a shame that I've done this to myself? That I've basically given up on my dream at 22?
Lately, my confidence has taken a dip once again. I don't know if it's do with the big changes in my life, the general lack of money, or the fact that I've comfort ate my weigh back to a ridiculous size and wasted all the work I put in. Possibly all of the above. I'm going to be honest and admit that life inside my head hasn't been fabulous recently. It seems that just when things could be going well for me, my lack of belief in myself stops me from enjoying it.
I find it difficult to figure out what my dream life actually is. To distinguish between what I'd want, in a fantasy world were there were no limits, and what I could realistically have if I worked hard enough.
I'd settle for a quiet life, I'd be happy enough with a steady and reasonably paid job, that would at least give us the opportunity to save for our future wedding/life, and enable us to continue living in our lovely wee flat.
On the other hand, if I could have whatever I wanted...
In a limitless world, I'd be in musicals professionally. I'd get to do a job that I love, and be appreciated in the right circles. No "celebrity" status or anything, I wouldn't want that.
I'd be about 5 stone lighter than I am. (Shallow, I know, and rich considering I did and continue to do this to myself.)
I'd be able to give Jake all the confidence he deserves, and the career he wants.
I'd be able to sort out the issues within my family. They'd all be healthy and happy. We'd all get on, and Christmas would be how it used to.
I'd be more self-confident and care even less what people think.
When the time is right for such things, we'll have the fabulous wedding we dream of and the fabulous babies, and move to the fabulous home, with the massive kitchen. (I haven't decided where yet.)
I realise that some of these dreams are reachable with hard work. And I intend to make them come true, someday.
As for the seemingly unreachable, well, who knows? That's life isn't it?
What about you? What would your dream life be like?
Click here for the original post, which inspired me to write this.