A promise to progress.

In 2013, I realised something about myself that made me approach 2014 in a new way.

I left school six years ago, and my life has changed completely in that time. I barely feel like the same person at all. I am proud of who I am now, what I've been through personally, and how I've dealt with it. However, it hit me, that in that time, I have started loads of things, but barely finished or stuck with anything. 

If something gets too difficult, or is out of my comfort zone, I tend to want to run away, to give up, and usually I do. I've started everything from a novel, a diary, several different courses and never finished any of them. I've joined the gym and stopped going after 3 months. I've lost so much weight and put it all back on. 

Basically, I realised that...I'm a quitter. I didn't like to realise this about myself. I didn't want to be that person.

I figured, what is the point in being a human, if you aren't willing to try and learn, and to grow? So my "resolution" for 2014 was to make it the year I tried to change this. 

However, I didn't want to approach it as a resolution as such, more just a promise to myself, to try more than I have before. A promise to make progress. 

I wouldn't let being a little bit afraid of something, stop me from doing it altogether. I would try not giving up, and see how that worked out for once.

I focused on three projects with which to make progress for the year. 

My first was driving lessons. I'd never really wanted to do it before, because, basically, I was afraid. I didn't feel like I should be trusted to drive a vehicle. (To be honest, I don't even know if that has changed.) I'd never even practised. It was terrifying and my stomach lurched before every lesson. I was SO out of my comfort zone. I could quite easily have run away, but I didn't. I learned how to drive. Sadly, after 8 months of still never sitting my test, I started uni and ran out of spare time and money. I SWEAR, I don't want to give up. I don't intend to be one those people who never sits their test, and when I sort out my finances, I won't be. Even if I'm still shitting myself every time I'm behind the wheel, I'll do it.

Venture two was my one lifelong obstacle. With my new found attitude, I thought 2014 could finally be the year I lost that shitty excess weight that I seem to love carrying around so much. 
Well, I lost a stone, then put two back on. Fabulous. 

I know. This has been the story for many years. I am sick of even hearing myself talk about it now. It's old news. However, something changed in 2014 that I did not see coming. Basically, for the first time in my life, I gained confidence in myself that was not linked to my appearance. I think they call it INNER confidence(!) Who knew I could actually possess this if I wanted to?! (More on this on my blog soon.)

The last project was Uni. I'd been interested in nursing for years, and thought I could be good at it, but in hindsight, was too scared to go for it. Even when I was applying, my mind was telling me not to. "Nursing is serious shit. Can I handle it? Nope." I ignored these thoughts and went for it anyway. 

Getting in was a big achievement in itself for me.

Three months into the course and I've already felt like it would be easier to run away at times. I've went in and done things that my mind told me I couldn't. I had to work 28 days in a row because of placement and work. I also had to face the one thing that almost stopped me applying. I made myself do it, even though I was shitting myself, and I still can't quite believe that I did. 

I have no doubt that the hardest parts are yet to come, but so far I'm approaching this differently to anything I have before. Which can only be a good thing. 

Maybe none of this seems much, but to me it is. Knowing myself well enough by now, I didn't expect miracles, simply changes. You don't stop a lifelong habit in one go, but you can try, and that's what I did. If this year was about promising to make progress, then I truly feel that I did that. If it was about getting out of my comfort zone, and coping with how it made me feel instead of just quitting, I did that loads. I really am proud of that.

With 2015, I don't intend to focus on any new resolutions that I know I won't stick with. I simply want to keep building on this promise to progress. 

I think the most important thing that has happened to me in 2014 has been my new found inner confidence, and I truly want to hang onto and build on that for the rest of my life. I have much to say about it, which is why it requires its own post at a later date. 

If you're looking for yet another New Years resolution. You know you'll probably give up mid January again, so I would say try looking at it in another way. Don't imagine that the clock will strike midnight and you'll suddenly be a new you. Instead, simply make a promise to make progress. 
Progress to you might be something small, like learning how to cook something, finally finishing that book, or thinking "Fuck it" and wearing the dress you didn't quite have the balls to wear before. Maybe you're looking for bigger progress, amazing. Whatever your goals are, don't put pressure on yourself to achieve them all by the end of January, or even by the end of 2015, just promise yourself that you'll make progress. Give yourself credit (and/or a hug) when you do. 

Good luck, I believe in you.

Happy 2nd Birthday Blog.

Today marks my blog's second birthday! I couldn't help but do a wee bit of cheesy reflection. (Sorreh.)

The past year has completely flown in. (I know that that is the most boring sentence in the world, but seriously, what have I been doing for a whole year?!)

I haven't really done any of the things that I intended to do this time last year in blog terms. I was all "I'm going to make the layout better, and I'm going to post better things, and more often". (Why did I think that was going to happen? It's like I know nothing about myself.)

The thing is, I don't really care. There have been times where I've felt like my wee blog was substandard, and that I needed to change it, but who would I have been changing it for?

I write all this nonsense because it makes me happy to do so. If it makes anyone else happy in any way, then that's an excellent bonus. 

I realised that my blog is a reflection of me, and I don't change me for anyone else, so why would I do so here?

The main things I've learned this year, completely translate to that same attitude and contribute to how I write now, and how I will in future.

I've learned to be kinder to myself, to look out for myself. 

I used to punish myself, for being fat, for making mistakes, for being depressed, but I try hard not to do that anymore. I am the person that I need to rely on the most, why would I treat me badly?

I am, by no means, perfect, but mostly I like who I am. I don't feel ashamed to say that. (You shouldn't either.)

I am proud of this blog. It's what I want it to be really. I hope it continues to be.

As always, thank you for reading it (Hiya) and commenting and supporting and being lovely. (If you are. If you aren't lovely, then bloody go away and try and be lovelier.) And I hope I can keep you coming back.

Now here's a shite but awesome video.

Let's talk about Depression. (Don't be afraid.)

I began writing this a few months ago, but didn't feel quite ready to post it until now.

I've wanted to write about this for a long time, but I think it always felt too personal before. However, my feelings have changed, and although it is still deeply personal, I'm no longer ashamed, and feel like sharing would be a positive step, for the greater good an' all that.

(It is World Mental Health Day today, so I can't think of a better time to finally talk about this.)

It's strange how I feel like I've been "in the closet" in some way. I'm sure many people who have suffered from any form of Mental Illness can relate to this. 

Telling someone you have the flu, or a broken arm, has a pretty standard sympathetic response. They can physically see that you are suffering. Telling someone you have depression, is a lot more difficult. It's often met with awkwardness. Avoidance. No one knows the right thing to say, to ask. Simply through lack of understanding. Fear of what they don't know. Fear of saying the wrong thing. 

It's not deemed acceptable to say "I need to stay home today, my brain feels ill." 

 I was 18, I'd gone through huge changes, in a very short space of time, with little time to take it all in. Everything that I thought made me who I was: my town, my house, my friends, my family. All of it changed. (That's the short story anyway.) I lost my identity completely, which is a difficult thing to understand unless it has happened to you.

Depression (and anxiety) seemed to slowly creep over me. It was like having a bag to carry, then another bag, then another, until I was just completely overwhelmed by luggage.

I'd wake up feeling like I'd just had a huge argument. Angry, anxious, upset, tired, like anything could send me over the edge. It was a black cloud that seemed to hang over me and everything that I did. I was still me, getting on with everything as normal, but with my thoughts and feelings clouded by this horrible dread and anxiety. I forgot who I was underneath it.

I distinctly remember losing the ability to look forward to anything. Nothing sparked my interest, or seemed worth it really. Minor tasks felt like mountains. There was an overwhelming sense of pointlessness to my entire being. I can remember my lowest point quite clearly. I can remember thinking "What is the point of me continuing to live? No one cares, I don't even care." Luckily, it didn't go any further than that thought. 

When I think of that person now, having those thoughts, my heart breaks; No one deserves to feel that they or their life are worth nothing. 

Visiting the doctor, and saying the word Depression out loud, was pretty traumatic. I was met by, more or less, apathy. I was prescribed antidepressants and told to seek a counsellor at college.

The antidepressants helped to stabilise me, which was what I needed at first, but after a certain point, I felt like they kept me too stable, and not able to be creative or expressive.
The counsellor basically sat in silence, whilst I skimmed over the details of my life, and for a while I felt like it was achieving nothing. My "epiphany" came one day, as I walked out of one of the sessions. I'd spent the last hour rambling, and suddenly the root of the problem really hit me. I went home and cried and cried, but it felt like relief more than anything. It may sound ridiculous, but in simple terms, I realised that I had to face the fact that everything had changed.
I truly made sense of what made me feel so awful in the first place, and then started to let it go. I stopped being in denial about my life, who I was, and accepted the changes. I had to learn to accept that things were never going to be the same, and adapt. It took a really long time.

I also have to mention that music, and musical theatre specifically, played a huge part, and still does, in helping me feel better. Music makes me feel that wee bit more alive. 
This song seemed to describe my feelings so accurately at that time, and still makes everything better. (I actually almost cried listening to it just now.) (I know, it's a bit cheesy. I don't care.)
Again, it may sound ridiculous, but the honest truth is that I find real solace in musical theatre. The musical RENT, and it's message, played a huge part in making me look at things differently, to see myself, and my life in a different light. 

I have to add admiration and appreciation to Jake, as without him, I'm not sure what would have happened. I don't really have the words to explain what he tolerated, and how he was there, but I will never forget.

While I feel like someone who is mostly mentally healthy now, I recognise that like with many illnesses, I still live with it and probably always will. 
I go through periods of feeling fabulous, confident and happy. Then others that are a real struggle. It's like I'm more vulnerable to big changes, or stress. It's a battle, but I know how to fight it now. I'm able to recognise that it is an illness, just like any other, and not who I am. 
I try never to let myself obsess over things in the way that I used to. I try not to let what other people think of me, affect me too much. I have to remind myself of what's actually important. It definitely opens your eyes, and makes you thankful for the small things.
Quite honestly, a part of me feels like it was a part of my life that had to happen, in order to make me realise how strong I actually am.

The reason I wanted to write this was because, I feel like if I'd have known how common depression was at the time, I would have felt better. If I'd have known that I wasn't weak, or abnormal, if my peers were discussing depression, if the doctor had shown some empathy, then maybe it would have been easier. If someone had told me "This isn't your fault" a lot sooner, it would have made all the difference.
I feel like it's my job, everyone's job, to talk about this. To be open. To not be ashamed. Which is why I am literally trying to make it my job. (I'm studying Mental Health Nursing.)

Depression is not always easily visible like you might think. 
I'm pretty certain that the only people that have had any clue about this, have been the people I have actively told. It's easy to hide. It's secretive. That's the worst thing about it. It doesn't get taken as seriously as a physical illness because it can't be seen. Some could argue that in a way that makes it worse than physical illness, because it pollutes the very person that you are, the brain, the thing that ultimately makes you, You. 

If you, (or someone you know) is suffering, please don't feel that you are alone. There will be people around you every day who have been affected by this. 
You aren't weak, or pathetic, or worthless. You don't deserve to feel that. This isn't your fault. Give yourself credit for the little steps that you are able to take, and give yourself credit for recognising that you need help, because that will make you feel more in control.
Also, talk to me. I'm no expert on this and the things that helped me, might do nothing for you, but I at least can understand and am willing to listen.
I hope that this can help anyone, in any small way.

If you have read all of this, thank you. Truly. I know it seems self-indulgent, but I felt like it had to come out. It took a lot of tears and anxiety to write this, and even more to press "Publish", but I feel better.

“Growing up is losing some illusions, in order to acquire others.”

The concept that I am an adult, is a strange thing to me. As I'm sure it is for most of us. 

As a child, you sort of think that one day you will feel grown-up. That you will have it all worked out, and know you've made it to adulthood. It'll be round about the same time you start to feel ready for marriage, or thinking about having children. By the time you sign for the mortgage, that's it, you are definitely a fully functioning responsible member of society. 
However, most of us have realised by now that that doesn't really happen. You just sort of plod along, winging it.
I have to make a conscious effort to pretend I know what I'm doing. Doesn't everyone?

I say forget marriage, babies and mortgages. Adulthood is about the tedious daily activities, and having the maturity to just get on with them. 

So here is a list of things that I catch myself doing/thoughts I have had, that make me have to stop and accept that I am a boring grown-up. 

Liking it when people buy you practical gifts

"I won't have to buy any toiletries for ages!"

Having spare generic Birthday cards in a drawer

In case someone unexpectedly has a birthday?

Keeping a mental diary of which family birthday is coming up next

Really enjoying that one month of the year when there isn't a birthday

Putting sandwich bags on everything

Chewy crackers are a no-no.

Saving a really good snack

Thinking about eating it the whole time, but knowing that if you wait until later, it will be even better.

Having a "back-up" shelf

You never know when you might run out of toothpaste/shower gel/baby wipes. You just never know.

Defrosting

Having to decline a dinner invitation, because you have to eat the defrosted meat before it goes off.

(Similarly)

Cooking meals based on what is due to expire

Where else did you think the idea for ham and pineapple came from?

Marinating

It will taste gooder. Jamie Oliver says so.

Force feeding yourself vegetables

"I guess I am going to die at some point, and if I eat these, it won't be as soon."

(The true act of adulthood)

Walking by the outside bin on bin day, and checking to see if it's been emptied

"That's right, Council, you know the score!"

Having a bag of bags

A bag, full of other bags, that are full of other bags. To reuse, because who else is going to save the planet?

Repeating phrases/actions from your Parents/Grandparents

I have had to curb my habit of shouting "Oh Shut up!" at annoying adverts. I cannot turn into my Gran at 23.

Keeping your work holidays a secret

People might want me to go places.

Making a point of leaving positive consumer feedback

"I want to see more shows like The Secret Life Of Babies, I had better let ITV know."

Complimenting someone on their air freshener
Then buying it the next day.

Planning casual lunch dates weeks in advance
"Let's have coffee, two weeks on Tuesday."

Buying literally anything that's reduced
"We can add these to our, already overflowing, freezer."

Never turning down a freebie
"Put it next to the other pile of shampoo sachets."

(and finally)
Using supermarket mathematics
"Heinz beans might be on offer, but Morrison's value beans are still only 10p per 100g."

If you do any (or all) of these thing then, in my opinion, you are officially a boring, old adult, just like me. 

However, if I ever feel sad, and like my youthful years are behind me, I simply remind myself that I haven't owned an iron for over a year, and that chocolate cereal still gets me going.

And here's Jenna Marbles.

"We've got a dream. So our differences ain't really that extreme."

Let's say that you're lucky enough to make it to old age (at whatever age you deem acceptable to leave this world), you're lying in your bed, surrounded by the people you love, and are looking back on your life. What would be the minimal achievement that you'd be content with? What are the fundamental life accomplishments to you? What would be enough for you to say "You know what, I'm happy. I've lived the right life for me."?. 

Everyone has a different goal in life. Some people want worldwide fame for their talents (or for piss all), to be rich, to travel the world, to invent something that changes the world. Some people have smaller goals: to find love, to get a decent job, to raise a family. Maybe all you want is to finally complete your Pokemon card collection, to see the floating lights, figure out what the fuck happened in Lost (good luck), or try fennel. No matter how small your dreams are, they mean just as much to you as anyone else's.

The inevitably of dying is something that I've truly struggled to be at peace with, however I'm beginning to. I have realised that if my final curtain call is definitely going to have to happen someday, then I will have to make the show as good as possible, but figuring out what that means to me personally is the tough part.

I recently read the book The Fault In Our Stars. (I'm sure that if you haven't read it, then you've at least heard of it.) I think it was reading this that made me think deeply about this subject, as it's one of the big discussions in the story. The argument is whether once you've gone, it would be better to have been loved widely or loved deeply? To have been recognised by many for something you've done or to have been loved truly and deeply by one person (or few people) who really knew you? It's the same message that I carry with me always from the musical Rent, which is to "Measure your life in love." I know that that may sound a bit soppy, but it truly resonates with me. There is nothing better with which to measure a life, to define a person, than to remember the love they gave and received in return. 

I've had huge dreams of being in the West End, and I doubt that I will ever know if I was good enough to realise them. My other dreams are smaller achievements that change with time. 

However, when I think about that "death bed" moment, and try to imagine the minimum that I could be content with, it's more about the person that I lived my life as. 
I've thought about this a lot and I want, in those last moments, to look back and be proud of who I've been. 
If nothing else, I want to have been the sort of person who doesn't just sit back, but who questions, who tries to change what others might allow. To have been the sort of person who shows true grit. The sort of person who sticks to what they believe in, is true to themselves, no matter what anyone else says. I want to Be the change I want to see.

I am not trying to sound like an inspirational fridge magnet, this is coming from deep down.

I think feeling like I'm doing my bit to change the world in my own small way, could be enough for me.
I know for sure that I'm not quite all of those things yet, but it is my personal project to try to be.

I guess if there was one last thing to think about, it would be wanting there to be something out there of you that can live on in some way. This is one good reason to be creative. I guess this blog is something I'd be happy to have live on, because I am proud of most of what I've written here. However, I know there's much more potential for creativity in me than just this, and my lifelong battle with laziness will have to be fought to change that.
I suppose this generation needn't worry because we've uploaded so many "selfie"s and shite YouTube videos onto the internet that we can't NOT be remembered. 

The real worry is that maybe I'll end up being remembered for some really awful photo that I meant to untag on Facebook. Or a Soundcloud cover that really isn't as good as I thought.

Whatever happens, I hope that I keep thinking about these sorts of things until that last day, because it must mean that I'm consistently striving to be the sort of person I want to be. (Either that or I've already reached 100% personal perfection.)

As usual, I would love to know what you think. Give me your comments.

"That's correct Wendy, we all wear masks, metaphorically speaking."

Good afternoon and welcome back.

This blog is becoming a bi-monthly treat.

I've had this subject brewing in my mind for several months now, and after a sudden burst of passion have decided to write it. I apologise that it is quite long and also ramble-y.

Today, I ask the questions- 1. Are we all just trying to prove ourselves? and 2. How much of our lives are affected by what other people think of us?

I have met people from all walks of life, with varying wants, interests and problems. I am used to dealing with different people every day at work, customers and staff, but the one thing that seems to tie the majority of people together is insecurity. I do not claim to be an expert on psychology or body language, or any of this, however, I do like to think that I am quite good at analysing the people around me. I genuinely take in a lot when someone speaks to me. I try to break down the front that they present and see who they are underneath, try and figure out what has made them the way that they are. I'm not saying that I am able to figure everyone out, no one could do that, but it seems clear to me that most people I meet on a daily basis are just insecure individuals, trying to prove themselves in some way.

As children, this is basically all we do. We want to make our parents proud, we perform for them, we draw pictures, we try to win the talent show, we want to help with grown-up tasks and show that we are big, we want to put on make-up and look grown up, we compete with our siblings, our friends, do everything that we can to prove that we are the best. We are actively encouraged to be like this. So actually, it's completely natural that this translates into adulthood. 

We are all trying to prove something, to paint a picture of who we are, or at least who we want to be perceived as. 99% of conversations that I engage in on a daily basis, involve someone feeding me information about their life, highlighting something that they deem impressive about themselves, or that in some way confirms that they are worthy of liking. On the other hand, there are those who want you to know how tough their life is, how much they are suffering, and in turn how strong or admirable they are for getting through it. People will find a seemingly subtle way to draw attention to the parts of themselves that they want you to see, and build this ideal profile.

It makes me wonder how much of everyone's whole life is about this. Is this the primary reason for the majority of our actions? Did we go to University for ourselves, or to prove that we're smart enough? Do we go for jobs because we truly want to, or because we like the perception that they create? Or indeed the perception that the money, or the objects that the money can buy, will create? Do we dye our hair, get tattoos, wear jewellery, all just to present an image of who we want others to see? I think partly, Yes. 
It's definitely something to think about.

I am not saying that this is all bad, or that it makes us stupid, or weak. Or that I am not guilty of this myself. In fact one of the most interesting points about this subject, is to look at how it affects you personally. Would I even write a blog if I wasn't trying to prove that I'm smart or insightful in some way? Would I upload photos to Instagram if I wasn't showing off about my day, or my new purchase, or my new hair cut? I honestly don't know the answer to this.
It's all so contagious. Naturally, we want to relate to each other, and so we find ways to show that we are the same.
Think of Facebook and Instagram: friends uploading photos of a party, a holiday, a heavily filtered and well-angled "selfie", their perfect child, checking themselves in at a bar, painting a picture of this wonderful, colourful, interesting life, and making you feel like you have to prove that yours is just as great. By the same token, most of us don't draw attention to any of the negative aspects of our lives on these platforms because it would ruin the profile that we want to create of ourselves.
I am the biggest culprit for never sharing a photo that is a true representation of me; if it draws attention to my weight in any way, then I will delete it, and will only share the ones that highlight my good features. 

Neither am I saying that this is the only reason that we ever do anything, or that everyone is completely contrived. However, I'm completely fascinated by the idea of your basic self. The person that you are underneath the mask that you wear everyday, who you would be if you were unaffected by external input, who you'd be if you didn't feel pressured to follow fashion, or gender roles or cultural trends. (I know this is all getting a bit deep...)
Who would you be, if you didn't feel the need to prove yourself all the time? If you felt completely secure and comfortable with who you are, how different would your life be? I can only dream of the freedom that that would bring.

I guess it all stems from worrying about what people think of you. I try to live by a phrase I heard from RuPaul- "What other people think of you, is none of your business." I know that this is true. Anyone else's opinion of you, doesn't affect you, and has no real place in your life unless you want it to. However, it is so much easier said than done, and takes so much work. 
I can't decide if living in a world where no one cared what anyone thought of them, would be a better or worse place.

The spark of passion that ignited, and that inspired me to write today was whilst tweeting. I spoke about how I find so many people unlikable these days. I find so few people relatable or sometimes even tolerable lately, and it's all basically because we live in a world with far more speakers than listeners. It's so difficult to actually enjoy a conversation because so many people are not listening, but simply waiting for their chance to speak. It has all become about ego. It truly is a shame. If we would just give the time of day to listen to each other sometime, we might hear so much. I worry that we don't know very much about our peers at all anymore, what with so much coming from our online persona's anyway.

There is no doubt in my mind that I have become a little bitter and resentful from being hurt in the past, and from bad experiences, and have in a way become part of the problem. I am much less likely to want to get to know anyone, or let them in now and so I guess I'm limiting my own opportunities to hear something new or insightful from anyone else.

As for the whole proving ourselves notion, I think this will always be a part of life. Personally, I am forever trying to look at myself and the reasons for my own actions. My journey to becoming the sort of person who does things for me and no one else, and who is not affected by what people think of me, will probably be a life-long one. 

What do you think?

The five reasons for not blogging.

I've been trying to get myself to blog again for a while. Months actually. 

I'd almost finished writing two different posts in that time, as well jotting down ideas for a few different things, but just...haven't bothered to complete them. Other than the fact that I'm a lazy shit, I haven't been quite able to pinpoint why I've lost all inspiration lately, until today. 

I've had a good think, and I've realised that there is more than one reason for all of this. 
In fact, it would seem that there are five...

Reason 1: Low self-esteem

I actually think this reason has been the root cause of all the others. My self-confidence is a constant roller-coaster ride. I go through periods of feeling great, being so sure of myself, ready to take the world by storm and all that. Then there are other times where my self-esteem takes a huge dip and I'm quite unable to function as I normally would. This is just something I've gotten used to about myself. I have to actively work at pulling myself out of the confidence dip sometimes. Whenever I do go through a low period, I really struggle to be creative. I can't write, sometimes I can't even listen to music, or really express myself very well at all. Whatever I'm feeling just tucks itself away until it's ready to be faced. 

The past few months, I have been on a particularly "thrilling" roller-coaster, in terms of constant highs and lows, and haven't been writing at all. 

Reason 2: Chores

This is something very irritating about myself that I only fully realised today: I can manage to turn anything, even things that I enjoy, into a chore if I push it enough.

I wish I could be less of a child when it comes to this. 

I have done this with reading. I've convinced myself that reading is too much work, and that I don't have the time for it, when in fact I love reading, and have done since I was a child. I'm actually ashamed to say that until today, I hadn't read anything in months. 
It's become clear to me that this is what I had done with blogging. I had turned it into a chore, something I had to do, instead of something I wanted to do.

Reason 3: Pressure
Similar to the above reason, I realised that I had started to put pressure on myself about what to write. In the beginning, I'd write pretty much whatever came to me, (mostly nonsense) but lately I've been criticising my own ideas. Telling myself that they weren't smart enough, or funny enough, or as interesting as the last post. Comparing my blog to other blogs, and convincing myself that there wasn't much point in writing, because it will never be as good or as popular as all the fashion and beauty blogs etc etc bla bla... moan moan. Boring eh?

Reason 4: Identity
My most recent dip in confidence has come from a bit of a personal identity crisis. I'd been struggling to know who I was, where I was going, for a bit, and it actually translated to the blog too.
I've struggled to know where to go with my blog at times. To know what defines it. When it comes to other blogs, I read a few different types, and I can't deny that the ones I mostly go back to are often the ones with good quality photos, colourful design and a bit of variety. I can't help but always be aware that mine doesn't have any of that. I'm always battling with whether I should change it, and do a bit more of that, but I always have to remind myself that you shouldn't create anything for yourself, based on what other people want. 

Reason 5: Honesty
The stuff I've been drafting lately hasn't ended up going anywhere, and I think I now know why- I'd lost the honesty. Honesty was what I think I liked and was always proud of about my blog, and (I think) because of a mixture of all those reasons above, I'd stopped writing truthfully and started trying too hard. I tried too hard to always be smart, or funny, or insightful, instead of just doing what I started this for, just writing about my life, my thoughts and my honest opinions, and hoping that my posts might be one or more of those things.


The worst bit is that all of these reasons are down to me, and no one else. No one has put these ideas into my head, I've done it all by myself. However, by the same token, that must mean that I can abolish all of this nonsense by myself too! 

(Cue positive conclusion.)

What I've had to remind myself lately again is that I make the rules. In life and quite obviously, in my blog. I can have, or not have, whatever I want on my own blog. (I can rarely find a photo that relates to the shite that I write anyway.) I need to stop putting pressure on myself, criticising and limiting myself. I can actually write whatever the bloody hell I want. It's only a bloody blog. I don't have to find a definition for it, other than Me.
I also have to remember why I started writing a blog in the first place. I didn't create it for popularity, or recognition or to be something I'm not. I also didn't create it to force myself into writing, to make it become a chore, instead it was to allow myself to write when I wanted. (Hopefully, today is the recommencement of my reading journey too.)
I need to not have other people in mind so much when I write, because it limits me.
I chose to create this, for myself, as an outlet, and if anyone else were to gain anything from it, then even better.  

So, from here on in, I'll stop caring so much. Who cares if I'm not always funny, or interesting, or grammatically correct? Who cares if my blog design isn't much? Who cares if I decide to post something completely different for once, or if I never do? Naebody! That's who.

Now if only I'd realised all of this months ago...

What is love? (Baby don't hurt me.)

My latest post was about self-love.
This one is about loving someone else. 

Love, in the romantic sense, must be the most talked about subject in the world. 

Some of us spend years looking for that perfect person to spend our life with. Then we spend years over-thinking, over-analysing and effectively destroying our own happiness worrying about whether it's right. 

I've asked myself many questions about what it means to be in love. I often wonder, as I'm sure many do, what it really is.

Is there such a thing as "the one?" What is the secret to a lasting relationship? Is there one at all?

What is "real" love and how do you know if you've found it? 

Our relationship started out (pretty much) like any other. The passion, magic and excitement of something new and all that comes with that. Looking your absolute best, quaint little dates, charming the pants off of each other (oo-er), trying to be your most appealing, charismatic self every fucking hour of the day. 
Falling in love is lovely, it is beautiful and one of the best things in the world. However, I feel that that initial stage can often fool us.

At that time, I didn't exactly know it, but I guess I thought that butterflies and romance was what love was. I'm sure most of us do to begin with. I had never gone past that point with anyone and didn't know anything else. Unknowingly, I expected that that would be what a relationship would need to hold together. I couldn't imagine that there'd be a time with this person where it wouldn't be that way. In fact, I think I was under the impression that once the "woo-ing" dies down, a relationship is on its way to failure.

I am not the first, and will not be the last person to discover that long-term relationships do not work in this way.

Long-lasting love is not like the fairy tales. No matter how much you want it to be. We all learn this the hard way. (In fact, we'd probably all get on a bit better if we dropped that notion entirely.) (I blame Disney.)

So what is real love?

When we think of love, we think hearts, flowers and chocolates, when in fact to many of us it is something different entirely. 
I think our idea of love and what it means, needs a bit of a reboot actually. 

I'm no expert but it's possible that long-lasting love is much more about perseverance. (Now, I know that that word doesn't conjure up the most romantic idea but bear with me.)

Being with, and especially living with, the same person for many years takes a lot of perseverance. Sometimes more than we knew we could muster.

I use the word perseverance because it sums up a lot. 
Life in general is testing, sometimes you'd rather curl up in a ball under the covers than live like a functioning human, never mind try to keep someone else happy too. Just having the strength to cling on together is enough of a feat some days.
It also illustrates the dedication, patience and tolerance required to live with someone, even someone you adore, every day for years. You can think that they are the best thing since sliced bread, and still find them irritating after a while.
Without Jake's admirable tolerance, even when I have made it hardest, I doubt we'd still be together. As with any relationship, there have been times where it would have been quite easy to give up. Each of us have persevered, even when we didn't feel like we even liked each other anymore. 
That is what love is to me.

After 5 years with the same person, it isn't always about charm and romance anymore. (Don't get me wrong, that is still there. You absolutely do have to make time for romance.)

It's something different. There aren't constant butterflies, you aren't worried about keeping up an appearance. You know them now, and they know you, warts and all. 

It is different, but it is beautiful. It is teamwork, it is dedication, appreciation. It is giving each other space. It is learning to adapt, to share. It is being honest. It is being a best friend, being family. It is hating them one minute, then absolutely adoring them the next. It is playfully insulting them, but never letting anyone else. It is being supportive. It is expecting ups and downs, frustrations, disagreements, and trying to get through them. It is never figuring it out, or getting it right, but always trying. It is unconditional care and kindness.

Maybe in another 5 or 10 years time, I will think differently, I cannot say, but my experiences so far have taught me these things.

There is no such thing as happily ever after. Loving someone does not make everything else fall into place, but with the right person it does make hard times easier.

It is less about butterflies and more about commitment and teamwork. 

If you think that that person is worth it, then your commitment to them will be what keeps you together. 
You may have to change, not lower, your expectation of love, but it will be worth it.