You are not alone.

As it's World Mental Health Day, I thought once again now would be a good time to write frankly about my experience with mental illness.

Last year, I finally opened up about my experience with depression and anxiety. I hadn't quite appreciated how significantly writing that post has changed my life until I revisited it today. Since then, I have been almost as open about my mental illness as I would be with any physical illness. In day to day life and on social media. I no longer carry the burden or the shame that I carried for years, and having that lifted, makes the illness much easier to deal with. 
Not to mention the response from that post; messages of congratulations, thanks, people asking if they could talk, saying it helped them, saying they didn't feel so alone anymore, saying it prompted them to look for help themselves. I've gained friendships through this, how beautiful is that? Please don't think that I think I'm a saint now or anything. I just couldn't have asked for a more positive response. The post was mainly for me, but to feel that it's helped anyone else in any way means too much to even say.

I'm so glad I wrote it, but that isn't too say that I still feel how I felt a year ago. Or that I'm in some way cured; very much the opposite. Rereading it made me realise how much my perspective on the whole thing has changed in a year. Last October, I was writing as someone who had never felt as bad again as she had six years ago. Come January of this year, a relapse meant I was at the very depths of depression and I had to remember what that all felt like again. It's different when it's fresh. 

It manifested itself in different ways this time, anxiety started to overtake depression and that has brought on a whole different way of coping. I wrote a post in July about my newest coping strategies. I'm still struggling along with all of that. Deactivating then reactivating facebook once a week like it's going out of fashion. (My opinions on social media are still true, but I'm coping better with it all now/ too nosey to stay away completely. Predictable eh?)
 I think this year would make the top three for the worst of my life mentally. I can't pretend like everything is going swimmingly at the moment. Some days are good and some are not. The difference is in being able to talk openly and honestly about it with people. Knowing I'm not alone, that there are people out there going through exactly the same thing and who need a listening ear just as much as I do. That's what helps most.

I think what's changed since last year is that I've truly learned to accept that some people are just chemically susceptible to this and that that isn't anyone's fault. I feel that the way I commented on medication last year was a bit negative; My perspective is very different now. I have seen benefits from medication that I didn't have experience of last year, and I'm trying a different type myself now. I know that I can only do the things that have kept me well in the past and know that if I've come through it before, I can again. 

Please remember that mental illness is very common. If you're going through a period of mental illness yourself, you're not abnormal or broken, you are just you, and that is all you can be expected to be. You are not alone. (As a mental health nursing student, you have to trust me on that one.) There is always someone you can talk to, myself included. I am not an expert, but I have ears and empathy.

Thank you for reading as always.

Always, a work in progress.

I'm just going to come right out and say it: I haven't been having a great year mentally. 
At the beginning of the year, a friendship that meant a lot to me was no longer; The whole thing hit me really hard to be honest. 

I'm not sure whether having depression makes me more sensitive to this sort of thing, or whether that's just who I am anyway, but it seems to have been the spark that ignited a relapse in my depression and anxiety. I'm not saying anyone is to blame, just that this is where I'm at because of it. 

Either way, the confidence that was a thing of real beauty for me last year has been gone and my anxiety has been worse than maybe ever in my life. 

It's been an up and down few months, feeling terrible, then better, then back to terrible. 

Anyway, this isn't a post to dwell on what a shit year I've been having, but to share what I've been doing to try and feel better.

I came to a realisation the other day that might just have been the most significant of my life.

It began with finally experimenting my theory that there would be improvements to my mental health/life in general, if I took a significant break from social media. I've always had my concerns about social media. (I've written about some of them on here before.) I hate that it's all primarily about pretending. Proving that your life is perfect. That you are having all the fun in the world, while everyone else sits miserably at home looking on, when in fact we're all playing the same game with each other. I hate that I take part in the game simply because I feel like I'd be missing out if I wasn't. 
I hate how preoccupied social media makes us all. We're too busy checking what people we barely care about are doing, and forgetting to enjoy the time with the people we do care about, who are physically there in front of us. It's insane when you think about it. My every thought turns into a tweet, my every moment turns into something to photograph for fucking Instagram. We're so busy documenting the moment that we forget to live in it. That makes me very sad.
Not to mention that there's just too much information being fed to me on a daily basis. I'm consumed by it, obsessively checking for updates and going to bed with my head buzzing. For what? It's too stressful. 
And there's too much to prove all the time. Look how smart/funny/pretty I am. Look how many friends I have. Look how many places I've been to. It's like building my online persona is taking up more time than being a real person. What is that about? How is that making me happy? It isn't. It's all fake. I need to be free from it. I don't know if I just need a break or whether I'll stay away from it forever but if it's contributing to my anxiety then it's my responsibility to try and let it go.

The irony is that I'll probably share this on Facebook and Twitter, because I know that's the easiest way to reach people, but I think I have to actively try and get away from it the next day.

And yes, I have considered whether sharing it is hypocritical of the message of this whole post and I don't know what the answer is; all I know is that I've enjoyed writing, it has been cathartic, and that I feel maybe other people could benefit from reading it. 

Don't get me wrong, I don't think ONLY negative things come from social media. I actually feel like I owe a lot to Twitter for teaching me so much about feminism, body positivity, gender, racism, equality etc and giving me a lot of confidence in myself. A great number of Twitter and Instagram users have been inspiring to me. Getting new perspectives from people all over the world has helped me to see the world and my self in different ways. The problem has been in the unhealthy and obsessive way that I've been approaching it lately, and this pressure I've felt to upkeep a persona.

With nothing to update, and a ridiculous amount of time to think, I went out for a long walk and that's when the realisation really hit me: it's not just social media, I upkeep a certain persona in real life too. I had to dig deep into my own head and I realised that the root of my thoughts and worries are usually about trying to have people see me in a particular way. I am always worried about how people are viewing me, that it's consistent with the person I want them to see me as. It's not as if that person is far from who I am exactly, but I am more preoccupied with trying to always act like this person, hoping that I'm coming across properly, than just being this person. (I'm sorry if this makes no sense.) In the simplest terms, so much of my behaviour seems to start off from wanting to prove to people that I'm smart/kind/funny/pretty. 
I didn't know I did this. I wasn't actively aware that I spent so much time trying to prove that I was those things. I was aware that actually deep down my self-esteem is pretty low, but I hadn't realised the extent to which it was affecting my thoughts and therefore my behaviour. 
I am living a lot more of my life for other people than I ever realised. 

The saddest, but in a way the best thing, for me to realise was that no amount of validation from others about me being those things has ever made me believe it any more. Truthfully, I already believe that I am those things for the most part, and isn't that a beautiful thing? It's baffling that I've spent so much time trying to get others to confirm it, when I've already known.
The day that it hit me, was the day I decided that I could change, that I could set myself free of so much anxiety if I put the work in. I could change my behaviour and see how it changes my thoughts. I am literally stopping a habit of a lifetime. Basically I ask myself "Is this for you or is this for other people?" and I'm amazed at how much of my day is different when I do that. 
I've realised more deeply than ever that no matter how you want to affect the view people have of you, you can only do so much.  It's a fact that they will see you however they want to, and that isn't your problem. 
I always thought I had a good handle on that concept, but it turns out I had even more to learn. 

I feel like I finally have the courage to try being who I am. I'm actively trying not to let the fear of other people's judgment stop me from being who I actually am, even if elements of that person don't seemingly fit in with or please everyone else. It's not about not caring what people think, but about not letting it keep you from being true to yourself. I know it's the most cliched thing ever, but your relationship with yourself is the most valuable one you'll ever have. The more I learn to be that person, and to accept that person, the happier I am. 
It's a work in progress, but I suppose we are all, always, a work in progress. 

Even just having been away from social media for 5 days has given me some lovely peaceful days, occupying myself with enjoying the moment and nothing else. When I was out walking, I felt the feeling that so often shrinks with depression, which was real optimism for the future. I got a wee butterfly of optimism in my belly and I know that that's a sign I'm feeling better. I hope I can keep it. 

I feel like this could be the truest thing I've ever written. I've actively stopped myself from editing in the way that I normally would and just let the words come out as they are. I try too hard to sound clever or not like a self-indulgent wanker normally, when I suppose I should just be a self-indulgent wanker, if that's what I am. (There's nothing like the word wanker to ruin the tone eh?)

Thank you, as always, for reading. I doubt I would read this far into anything unless it was by J.K Rowling.

We are not two seperate lions, we are one lion.

(Don't ask about that title. Well, ask if you like, but don't expect a sensible story.)

I have some thoughts on relationships...

I wish we could abandon this idea that a couple is "one". You know, "we are one" "2 become 1". (I know, I use credible references.) You and your boyfriend/girlfriend are not a single entity. Neither are you the same person.

I have become increasingly irritated at being treated as if I am a couple. I am in a couple. We are a couple, but that isn't all there is to know about either of us.

It's the same as when I hear people refer to their boyfriend/girlfriend as their "other half" it bothers me a little. It suggests that neither of you are a whole person on your own. Is that really how you view yourself?
To me, it reeks of the outdated, pre-feminist attitude of a time when a woman wasn't considered a real citizen until she had a husband.
I know, I'm taking a throwaway phrase, that most people probably don't even think about when they use, a little too seriously. I also know that some people might use it to hint at the status of their relationship: to say it's a little more serious. Nevertheless it's just not a label that suits my mentality at all. (Don't even get me started on "better half".)
It seems linked to a notion I've long discarded, that everyone has a "soul-mate". That there is one perfect person out there, and that once you find them you are complete, and you will never have eyes for another. I've said it before (here) (shameless plug), but I think if we dropped the fairytale romance notion entirely we'd all be happier. It puts so much pressure on you, and your other half (lel) to be perfect, superhuman. It also says that you can't be happy on your own, which is a potentially dangerous message, and entirely false.

In two days, Jake and I will have been together six years, and we both agree that our relationship is in the best, most secure, place it has ever been. We have realistic expectations of each other. We're, perhaps unconventionally, open and honest. We don't expect perfection. It's inevitable that as humans, we will fancy other people (and get a bit jealous about it too), but as long as we fancy each other the most, it's cool. It's also inevitable that as humans, we won't always look attractive, remember to pick our socks up, feel like talking, come home sober, be happy (the list goes on) and that's okay.  
Furthermore, and to go to back my first point, we function as two individuals. We recognise that we don't live the same life. We live together, spend most of our time together, and share almost everything, but we give each other the space to be ourselves and do our own things too. We like each other because have so much in common, but Jake also has interests that I know nothing about, and vice versa.
I never want him to feel like he has to "get home to his girlfriend" when he's out enjoying himself, unless he actually wants to see me. He is a 25 year old man, who is free to make his own choices. He doesn't need my permission to do anything. Y'know? 
I am very independent, and really like doing my own thing, and being alone sometimes. The thought of anyone taking that away from me is unimaginable. My own personal hell would be to utter the sentence "I can't, my boyfriend won't let me", and luckily I don't have to. (I just wouldn't anyway.)

Our relationship wasn't always this way, but over the years we've naturally made our own rules about how to do things, and they work for us.

People ask me when we're getting married and my answer usually goes "We've been engaged two years and the longer it's been, the less bothered I am about it. I like how things are more all the time, and I don't feel like changing it. Plus, I want him to feel free to leave me if he wants to." This seems to shock people a little bit. Think about it though. Isn't that love? Knowing you could easily leave, but making the choice to stay together every day?
I'm not saying that marriage takes this away, honestly, I'm just suggesting that it adds a level of obligation. Or at least, I worry that it does.

Of course, I'm a hypocrite really, because I still wear an engagement ring, and say "fiance" when I want to show off a wee bit. Also because I know we actually will get married some day, and I'll think calling him my husband is the cutest thing. I also know that once we have babies I'll probably scream down the phone and tell him to get him home to his girlfriend all the time.

I never really used to believe that love lasted. I've seen a lot of break ups. My parents loved each other intensely, and still couldn't make it work. I just thought it inevitable that everything ends eventually, but I can honestly say that I'm closer to having faith in it lasting than I have ever been. (That's because of you, Jake.)
 I try to take things one day at a time now. If we still like each other tomorrow, amazing. 

Here's a cheesy wee quote that I really like, and that really made me try and do things differently.
"If you love a flower, don't pick it up, because if you pick it up, it dies and ceases to be what you love. So if you love a flower, let it be. Love is not about possession, love is about appreciation." - Osho. 

Also, whilst doing a bit of v.srs research for this post, I found this list of better ways to refer to your boyfriend/girlfriend/wife/bloody whatever. Numbers 17 and 33 being my favourites.