It isn't what I have, it's only what I have in store that matters now

Hello! Mind I used to write a blog?

It's been three years since I last wrote anything here and it's difficult to put into a few sentences (and not an entire book) exactly why that is. I'm probably not going to get into that in too much detail. Not yet, anyway.

Looking back at some of my old posts, I feel some sadness, a little embarrassment but mostly pride. I think at the time when I started writing here, (at 21 years old) I had some small dream of becoming Carrie Bradshaw or another cool, quirky female character. Then I started to write more honestly and emotionally and hoped maybe I could make a difference to someone, if not, just to myself. I thought about deleting or editing some of the old posts, (especially the ones that highlight how many goals I did not achieve) but I'm not sure I see much value in that. I can't say I love everything I've written over the years, but I can say they meant something then and therefore, mean something still. 

I came up with many ideas of things to write over the past three years, but just never found the motivation or, at times, the strength or self-belief to do so. I've spent many years hating and punishing myself for my short-comings and feeling ashamed at the prospect of putting this flawed version of myself out there.
You might be glad to discover that I'm done living that way now. I can't live in fear of vulnerability or ridicule, or anything else negative. That only limits my happiness and growth. Self-hatred and shame have never served me. I make a conscious effort every single day to hush that voice inside that talks down to me now. I also make a conscious effort to amplify the voice that is kind and forgiving. It's taken a fair bit of hardship, some incredibly difficult decisions and changes and a lot of self-reflection to get to this place. It's a work in progress. As we all, always, are. 

The main things I wanted to talk about today were some of the things I did that really started me on a more positive path. These aren't easy things to admit (or publish on the internet) but I think it's important to discuss the human experience openly, in order to grow. So here we go.

Sometime last year, I was at an incredibly low point. Life had taken an unexpected turn and I wasn't enjoying any part of it, to say the very least. Things became bleak and there were times I didn't see a way out of that misery. I definitely needed time to heal, so I spent a lot of time staying in. Saying no to invitations, staring out the window. I felt stuck. Shutting the world out as a way to cope is something I've always done, (still do sometimes) but this reached new levels. I realised one day, I'd been keeping everyone at arms-length for so long that no one really thought to invite me to things anymore. The loneliness was overwhelming. 

I went to see Amélie the musical (the stunning revised UK version) at the theatre and parts of it really affected me. Its easy to look back now and imagine I had one lightbulb movie moment that changed everything, but obviously it took time to digest.
As a child, the main character is thought to have a heart defect; Seemingly too fragile to live in the real world, her parents shelter her. Now as an adult, she resorts to a life somewhere between the depths of her own imagination and as a voyeur of other people's. Sat in her room, behind a window, afraid to get involved, to let anyone or anything in. 

It sounded a lot like how I was living. 

I realised how much I was contributing to my own unhappiness. My own loneliness. I felt stuck because I was stuck. Stuck in sadness, stuck in rumination about what had happened to me, in what I'd lost, in how unfair it was. Stuck feeling sorry for myself. Stuck in victim mode. It's really hard to admit to yourself that you've been stuck in victim mode. Of course you're allowed to be sad, angry, frustrated with your lot in life at times, but for how long is that productive? 

There's a really beautiful song in Amélie the musical called "Times are hard for dreamers" in which she sings the lyrics "It isn't what I have, it's only what I have in store that matters now." I like to imagine that was my lightbulb moment. It was my responsibility to change. I'd done enough feeling sorry for myself. That wasn't going to change anything. I realised I didn't have to be what I'd been or what I'd been through any longer. I'm not my past. I'm my present and my future. Quite simply, I am whatever I want to be. 

I made a decision to start saying Yes. That was the first step. If someone invited me somewhere I would go, even if it was difficult and I felt out of place at first. I kept pushing myself to be in the room, to join the conversation. I started letting people in. It was really hard at first and at every turn the voice in my head told me "they don't like you" "how long before you disappoint them?" but I shut it down again and again until it quietened. I'm lucky that the people in my life were quick to remind me they definitely did like me and over time, I started to believe them. It's amazing what pushing yourself just a little outside of your comfort zone can do. 

My life looks very different just over a year later. How I feel about myself is the part that changed most. I will no longer use my past to define who I can be in the future. Human beings are ever changing and growing. We are always becoming someone new. Everyday. 

Life will always be full of ups and downs, but I choose to handle that in a different way now. I'm never going to be perfect, but I can only keep trying to be better. It's an ongoing journey that I'm genuinely happy to be on.

I know this all sounds a bit soppy, but I am a little bit soppy. 

All I ever want to achieve with writing is to express myself, in the hope that maybe one other person might relate and if it helps them in any way, even better. 

If you made it this far, thank you, you're a trooper.