I have not been blogging as often as I'd hoped.
Today I have been at college, got home early then swiftly had a small emotional breakdown.
Don't worry, I had my man to hug me (and to suffer the brunt of it) so I'm all full of happiness and dinner now. Sort of.
Have you ever just been so busy that you just need a wee cry?
At college, I'm currently rehearsing my first proper leading lady part. I really wanted this part and would've been really disappointed if I didnt get it. I was so pleased when I did. The thing is, I'm pretty sure that I convinced myself that if I did get it then I'd suddenly have all the confidence in my ability that I desire, but it hasnt quite worked out that way. Instead, the pressure of it has been weighing me down since the moment I found out I was cast. Instead of rising to the challenge, I've felt like doing a wee runner at times.
As the show is only 3 weeks away, (gulp) we rehearse everyday and as I live quite far from college, I probably spend what adds up to be about 3 hours travelling a day. I get home late and then either have to rush back out to a class at the gym or Slimming World and on the nights I don't, it always feel like I just eat dinner then need to sleep straight away. I then work a part-time job at the weekends (which is much more hassle than a weekend job should be) and then do it all over again on Monday. The washing basket and the dishes are piling up and my wee bones are aching.
I'm just exhausted. Maybe I'm just a weakling. Possibly the latter.
This exhaustion has been making me wonder whether I'm destined to be in professional theatre at all. One little college show part and I can't handle the pressure. Though I've wondered about this before now.
The fact is, I do want to be in this show and play this part. I love this show. (It's called Spend Spend Spend, you've probably never heard of it.) I love this character and I will rise to the challenge as soon as I get my "mojo" back. I will.
I'm only pointing out the negatives here when I really should mention the positives. I've been finding it much easier to get up and perform since I've been thrown into this and I've been singing in front of my boyfriend* alone lately which is something I was always too embarrassed to do before.
I have Saturday off and will be using that to do nothing for the first time in weeks, hopefully
I just need to suck it up and remember that the show is only 3 weeks away and once it's done, I'll regret not having enjoyed the rehearsal process more. Lookin' on the bright side an' that.
* Constantly calling him "my boyfriend" on this is getting a bit cringey but it feels like I shouldn't name him to feel like more of a cool blogger. So, we discussed this and came up with a few different alias choices. His were "Professor Damage", "Doctor Chaos", "General Sexy" and (sigh) "Corporal Punishment". I felt that "Sausage Head" was better. His name begins with a J so let's predictably call him that for now I suppose. (Though he's still pushing for "Doctor Chaos.")