We are not two seperate lions, we are one lion.

(Don't ask about that title. Well, ask if you like, but don't expect a sensible story.)

I have some thoughts on relationships...

I wish we could abandon this idea that a couple is "one". You know, "we are one" "2 become 1". (I know, I use credible references.) You and your boyfriend/girlfriend are not a single entity. Neither are you the same person.

I have become increasingly irritated at being treated as if I am a couple. I am in a couple. We are a couple, but that isn't all there is to know about either of us.

It's the same as when I hear people refer to their boyfriend/girlfriend as their "other half" it bothers me a little. It suggests that neither of you are a whole person on your own. Is that really how you view yourself?
To me, it reeks of the outdated, pre-feminist attitude of a time when a woman wasn't considered a real citizen until she had a husband.
I know, I'm taking a throwaway phrase, that most people probably don't even think about when they use, a little too seriously. I also know that some people might use it to hint at the status of their relationship: to say it's a little more serious. Nevertheless it's just not a label that suits my mentality at all. (Don't even get me started on "better half".)
It seems linked to a notion I've long discarded, that everyone has a "soul-mate". That there is one perfect person out there, and that once you find them you are complete, and you will never have eyes for another. I've said it before (here) (shameless plug), but I think if we dropped the fairytale romance notion entirely we'd all be happier. It puts so much pressure on you, and your other half (lel) to be perfect, superhuman. It also says that you can't be happy on your own, which is a potentially dangerous message, and entirely false.

In two days, Jake and I will have been together six years, and we both agree that our relationship is in the best, most secure, place it has ever been. We have realistic expectations of each other. We're, perhaps unconventionally, open and honest. We don't expect perfection. It's inevitable that as humans, we will fancy other people (and get a bit jealous about it too), but as long as we fancy each other the most, it's cool. It's also inevitable that as humans, we won't always look attractive, remember to pick our socks up, feel like talking, come home sober, be happy (the list goes on) and that's okay.  
Furthermore, and to go to back my first point, we function as two individuals. We recognise that we don't live the same life. We live together, spend most of our time together, and share almost everything, but we give each other the space to be ourselves and do our own things too. We like each other because have so much in common, but Jake also has interests that I know nothing about, and vice versa.
I never want him to feel like he has to "get home to his girlfriend" when he's out enjoying himself, unless he actually wants to see me. He is a 25 year old man, who is free to make his own choices. He doesn't need my permission to do anything. Y'know? 
I am very independent, and really like doing my own thing, and being alone sometimes. The thought of anyone taking that away from me is unimaginable. My own personal hell would be to utter the sentence "I can't, my boyfriend won't let me", and luckily I don't have to. (I just wouldn't anyway.)

Our relationship wasn't always this way, but over the years we've naturally made our own rules about how to do things, and they work for us.

People ask me when we're getting married and my answer usually goes "We've been engaged two years and the longer it's been, the less bothered I am about it. I like how things are more all the time, and I don't feel like changing it. Plus, I want him to feel free to leave me if he wants to." This seems to shock people a little bit. Think about it though. Isn't that love? Knowing you could easily leave, but making the choice to stay together every day?
I'm not saying that marriage takes this away, honestly, I'm just suggesting that it adds a level of obligation. Or at least, I worry that it does.

Of course, I'm a hypocrite really, because I still wear an engagement ring, and say "fiance" when I want to show off a wee bit. Also because I know we actually will get married some day, and I'll think calling him my husband is the cutest thing. I also know that once we have babies I'll probably scream down the phone and tell him to get him home to his girlfriend all the time.

I never really used to believe that love lasted. I've seen a lot of break ups. My parents loved each other intensely, and still couldn't make it work. I just thought it inevitable that everything ends eventually, but I can honestly say that I'm closer to having faith in it lasting than I have ever been. (That's because of you, Jake.)
 I try to take things one day at a time now. If we still like each other tomorrow, amazing. 

Here's a cheesy wee quote that I really like, and that really made me try and do things differently.
"If you love a flower, don't pick it up, because if you pick it up, it dies and ceases to be what you love. So if you love a flower, let it be. Love is not about possession, love is about appreciation." - Osho. 

Also, whilst doing a bit of v.srs research for this post, I found this list of better ways to refer to your boyfriend/girlfriend/wife/bloody whatever. Numbers 17 and 33 being my favourites.

The five reasons for not blogging.

I've been trying to get myself to blog again for a while. Months actually. 

I'd almost finished writing two different posts in that time, as well jotting down ideas for a few different things, but just...haven't bothered to complete them. Other than the fact that I'm a lazy shit, I haven't been quite able to pinpoint why I've lost all inspiration lately, until today. 

I've had a good think, and I've realised that there is more than one reason for all of this. 
In fact, it would seem that there are five...

Reason 1: Low self-esteem

I actually think this reason has been the root cause of all the others. My self-confidence is a constant roller-coaster ride. I go through periods of feeling great, being so sure of myself, ready to take the world by storm and all that. Then there are other times where my self-esteem takes a huge dip and I'm quite unable to function as I normally would. This is just something I've gotten used to about myself. I have to actively work at pulling myself out of the confidence dip sometimes. Whenever I do go through a low period, I really struggle to be creative. I can't write, sometimes I can't even listen to music, or really express myself very well at all. Whatever I'm feeling just tucks itself away until it's ready to be faced. 

The past few months, I have been on a particularly "thrilling" roller-coaster, in terms of constant highs and lows, and haven't been writing at all. 

Reason 2: Chores

This is something very irritating about myself that I only fully realised today: I can manage to turn anything, even things that I enjoy, into a chore if I push it enough.

I wish I could be less of a child when it comes to this. 

I have done this with reading. I've convinced myself that reading is too much work, and that I don't have the time for it, when in fact I love reading, and have done since I was a child. I'm actually ashamed to say that until today, I hadn't read anything in months. 
It's become clear to me that this is what I had done with blogging. I had turned it into a chore, something I had to do, instead of something I wanted to do.

Reason 3: Pressure
Similar to the above reason, I realised that I had started to put pressure on myself about what to write. In the beginning, I'd write pretty much whatever came to me, (mostly nonsense) but lately I've been criticising my own ideas. Telling myself that they weren't smart enough, or funny enough, or as interesting as the last post. Comparing my blog to other blogs, and convincing myself that there wasn't much point in writing, because it will never be as good or as popular as all the fashion and beauty blogs etc etc bla bla... moan moan. Boring eh?

Reason 4: Identity
My most recent dip in confidence has come from a bit of a personal identity crisis. I'd been struggling to know who I was, where I was going, for a bit, and it actually translated to the blog too.
I've struggled to know where to go with my blog at times. To know what defines it. When it comes to other blogs, I read a few different types, and I can't deny that the ones I mostly go back to are often the ones with good quality photos, colourful design and a bit of variety. I can't help but always be aware that mine doesn't have any of that. I'm always battling with whether I should change it, and do a bit more of that, but I always have to remind myself that you shouldn't create anything for yourself, based on what other people want. 

Reason 5: Honesty
The stuff I've been drafting lately hasn't ended up going anywhere, and I think I now know why- I'd lost the honesty. Honesty was what I think I liked and was always proud of about my blog, and (I think) because of a mixture of all those reasons above, I'd stopped writing truthfully and started trying too hard. I tried too hard to always be smart, or funny, or insightful, instead of just doing what I started this for, just writing about my life, my thoughts and my honest opinions, and hoping that my posts might be one or more of those things.


The worst bit is that all of these reasons are down to me, and no one else. No one has put these ideas into my head, I've done it all by myself. However, by the same token, that must mean that I can abolish all of this nonsense by myself too! 

(Cue positive conclusion.)

What I've had to remind myself lately again is that I make the rules. In life and quite obviously, in my blog. I can have, or not have, whatever I want on my own blog. (I can rarely find a photo that relates to the shite that I write anyway.) I need to stop putting pressure on myself, criticising and limiting myself. I can actually write whatever the bloody hell I want. It's only a bloody blog. I don't have to find a definition for it, other than Me.
I also have to remember why I started writing a blog in the first place. I didn't create it for popularity, or recognition or to be something I'm not. I also didn't create it to force myself into writing, to make it become a chore, instead it was to allow myself to write when I wanted. (Hopefully, today is the recommencement of my reading journey too.)
I need to not have other people in mind so much when I write, because it limits me.
I chose to create this, for myself, as an outlet, and if anyone else were to gain anything from it, then even better.  

So, from here on in, I'll stop caring so much. Who cares if I'm not always funny, or interesting, or grammatically correct? Who cares if my blog design isn't much? Who cares if I decide to post something completely different for once, or if I never do? Naebody! That's who.

Now if only I'd realised all of this months ago...