Thursday, 3 July 2014

"We've got a dream. So our differences ain't really that extreme."

Let's say that you're lucky enough to make it to old age (at whatever age you deem acceptable to leave this world), you're lying in your bed, surrounded by the people you love, and are looking back on your life. What would be the minimal achievement that you'd be content with? What are the fundamental life accomplishments to you? What would be enough for you to say "You know what, I'm happy. I've lived the right life for me."?. 

Everyone has a different goal in life. Some people want worldwide fame for their talents (or for piss all), to be rich, to travel the world, to invent something that changes the world. Some people have smaller goals: to find love, to get a decent job, to raise a family. Maybe all you want is to finally complete your Pokemon card collection, to see the floating lights, figure out what the fuck happened in Lost (good luck), or try fennel. No matter how small your dreams are, they mean just as much to you as anyone else's.

The inevitably of dying is something that I've truly struggled to be at peace with, however I'm beginning to. I have realised that if my final curtain call is definitely going to have to happen someday, then I will have to make the show as good as possible, but figuring out what that means to me personally is the tough part.

I recently read the book The Fault In Our Stars. (I'm sure that if you haven't read it, then you've at least heard of it.) I think it was reading this that made me think deeply about this subject, as it's one of the big discussions in the story. The argument is whether once you've gone, it would be better to have been loved widely or loved deeply? To have been recognised by many for something you've done or to have been loved truly and deeply by one person (or few people) who really knew you? It's the same message that I carry with me always from the musical Rent, which is to "Measure your life in love." I know that that may sound a bit soppy, but it truly resonates with me. There is nothing better with which to measure a life, to define a person, than to remember the love they gave and received in return. 

I've had huge dreams of being in the West End, and I doubt that I will ever know if I was good enough to realise them. My other dreams are smaller achievements that change with time. 
However, when I think about that "death bed" moment, and try to imagine the minimum that I could be content with, it's more about the person that I lived my life as. 
I've thought about this a lot and I want, in those last moments, to look back and be proud of who I've been. 
If nothing else, I want to have been the sort of person who doesn't just sit back, but who questions, who tries to change what others might allow. To have been the sort of person who shows true grit. The sort of person who sticks to what they believe in, is true to themselves, no matter what anyone else says. I want to Be the change I want to see.

I am not trying to sound like an inspirational fridge magnet, this is coming from deep down.

I think feeling like I'm doing my bit to change the world in my own small way, could be enough for me.
I know for sure that I'm not quite all of those things yet, but it is my personal project to try to be.

I guess if there was one last thing to think about, it would be wanting there to be something out there of you that can live on in some way. This is one good reason to be creative. I guess this blog is something I'd be happy to have live on, because I am proud of most of what I've written here. However, I know there's much more potential for creativity in me than just this, and my lifelong battle with laziness will have to be fought to change that.
I suppose this generation needn't worry because we've uploaded so many "selfie"s and shite YouTube videos onto the internet that we can't NOT be remembered. 
The real worry is that maybe I'll end up being remembered for some really awful photo that I meant to untag on Facebook. Or a Soundcloud cover that really isn't as good as I thought.

Whatever happens, I hope that I keep thinking about these sorts of things until that last day, because it must mean that I'm consistently striving to be the sort of person I want to be. (Either that or I've already reached 100% personal perfection.)

As usual, I would love to know what you think. Give me your comments.

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