Tuesday, 7 March 2017

Awaiting Repair

I don't know what I'm about to write, or why, but I've been inspired, by a meme. That's right. A meme has inspired me. The future is now kids.

This one, to be exact: 

I've been trying to find a way to explain what exactly has made the past 6-8 months so difficult for me, and this here piece of humourous imagery has hit the nail on the head. Not only in terms of mental illness, (which is obviously totally relevant) but other shit life circumstances too.

As many of you know from my years of droning on about depression and anxiety, (for those of you who are new, and fancy reading old posts, I'm sorry because they're long and probably embarrassing now) the inside of my head being a mess is something I've come to accept, but that in combination with the outside of my head being a mess too has made that much harder to deal with. Life has been kicking me in the balls, in a lot of different ways. I feel like all I ever seem to write about are the ways in which I struggle, and I suppose I'd like to stop that, but I try to write from an honest place, and that's where I've been. I always think things have been at their worst, and then worse comes. I suppose this is how life goes.

I've had to put quite a big pause on my life. For a minute I hated the idea. I hated looking like I'd given up, that I'm 26 years old and still fucking about with no real career, but I realised those worries were more about other people than me. If I'd have kept pretending I was handling everything, that would've been much worse. So here I am, starting over again a little bit, for a little while. 

Anyway, it's meant that anytime I've met new people it has been strange and difficult: like I can't fully introduce myself, because this isn't myself. The person I see myself as, someone confident, capable and driven, isn't always exactly who I've been able to be. It feels like I want to explain to every new person I meet, that I'm not functioning at my best. Like I should be wearing a sign that says "Awaiting Repair, Sorry For Any Inconvenience". (I'm going to suggest this as NHS treatment when I'm a mental health nurse.)

It's been lovely to discover, that despite all of this, I've still managed to make new friends. Real ones. Who seem to have gotten me anyway. That's been about the best thing that could have happened actually.

For the majority of the past 8 months (ish) it's taken most of my energy just to keep up appearances, any other capability and/or enthusiasm has been a bonus. I have to be sort of proud of myself for what I've achieved despite how I've felt under the surface. I've been closer than ever to throwing in the functioning-member-of-society towel, but I've just about held onto the corners of it.

The fact that I'm writing, even if its a bit vague,
means that things are much improved. So that's nice.

I know I'm not the first or the only one who's had a shit time, and I will not be the last. I also know, that I am actually quite lucky, and that as far as shitty times go, it could be much worse. It could always be worse.

 So I extend a wee bit of cheesy admiration to anyone who is managing to not only keep living, but keep accomplishing, even a little, when things are going very badly. Those who are being continuously kicked in the balls by life, but keep smiling. Those awaiting repair too. You're not alone. I see you. You're doing good.

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