Life adjusting.

In my last post I spoke about the "life-adjustment" I recently went through. 
"A slightly impulsive and scary decision to change my life at the cost of my career, but for the sake of my well-being."
Basically, I left college pretty much unannounced. 
Looking back at this old post http://jordanaan.blogspot.co.uk/2012/12/my-new-attitude.html it seems it was inevitable. (Though that post wasn't aimed only at college.)
This may be quite a controversial post considering some of my former class-mates may read it, but what can you do? All press is good press right?

I left for many reasons but basically felt that it was an unprofessional place where students were not all treated equally; to get ahead you had to be sucking up to lecturers, which I was never willing to do. People who worked hard were condescended to and never given any credit. I could go on for days about the issues I had with the place. (Put it this way, I've tried to contact my lecturers on three occasions since having left, and have received no replies. That was three months ago.)
 I felt that I was (for want of a less dramatic term) sacrificing who I am, and had been for months and months, keeping my mouth shut for an easy life and the hope of things getting better, when really I wanted to scream. I was always taught that if something is bothering you, you speak up. Why should I go into a place everyday that's making me unhappy? It may sound a little dramatic, but at times I was so down and the anger would itch away at me. Not feeling listened to was really affecting my confidence. Which is ridiculous and makes me angry just to think about. So one day, with only a few months left, I decided "After today, I'm walking away from this." I didn't feel that anything positive could come from it anymore.
By doing this, I knew I'd really be limiting my career options, and also wasting nearly two years of my life. 
I had to decide what was more important: a career (which of course is never certain anyway) or my pride and morals. I chose to walk away, and I am still very happy with my decision to do so. 
Of course, nothing is perfect, and I'm now working part-time, struggling a little and figuring things out, but by god am I happier than I was. I can't believe I ever put up with it. I also have someone in my life who has supported me all the way, which makes me very lucky.

If anyone reading this is facing a similar decision, feeling afraid to take a big step, to walk away or even into something that seems scary but you know could make you happier, I hope I can inspire you even a little. Go with your instinct, and even it doesn't end up working out you can be proud that you stuck with your gut. The most important thing is your self-worth, and the bottom line is that in life you don't need to put up with shit. You actually don't. Who cares what anyone thinks?

I don't know what I'm going to be when I grow up. If that ever happens. I don't think my ambitions have changed, it just might be a little harder to achieve them than I thought. Who knows?

I know life is going to throw much harder decisions at me than this one, and I feel just a little bit less afraid of it now.

Anti-social networking.

Hello there.
How nice of you to drop by. Especially considering that I haven't dropped by for 4 months and I apparently write this thing. 
I'm going to try not to dwell on the disappointment I feel towards myself for having abandoned this for 4 months. I've been going through a bit of a life adjustment, shall we say, and made a slightly impulsive and scary decision to change my life at the cost of my "career", but for the sake of my well-being. 
Anyway, we'll get to that at a later date. (Hopefully in a week or so, and not 4 months.)

I'm going to discuss a topic that's been on my mind for, well, several years actually and with the ever growing use of social networking in all of our daily lives, it has become an increasing thought. 

I ask you, ironically: Is social networking a positive or a negative way of getting to know our peers?

Okay, take this situation... You meet a new friend, a person who seems nice, funny, someone that you may wish to spend more time with. You inevitably add them as a facebook friend and to your horror they are not the same likable person online as they are in "real life." Whether it be their constant posting, need to share too much, need to use "xx" after every post, bad spelling or controversial opinions, something has slightly (or in some cases totally) put you off the perfectly acceptable person you met. I'm guessing that this has happened to someone other than me? 
I've also been in an opposite situation, where a person seems much more funny/interesting online than they actually are in a face-to-face conversation. 
Consciously or not, I am judging people by what they post online.

In recent years, where 95% of people I know use facebook and/or twitter, a considerable percentage of my opinion on a person can come from what they post on social networks. I ask myself regularly whether this is a good thing, when the same person 10 years ago wouldn't have been able to be judged in this way, when facebook wasn't the norm.

Are we lucky to have this new way to learn more about our associates, as a warning, or as an added perspective? Or is it detrimental to our ability to make friends properly? Should we take someone's online "persona" into account or is who they are in real life the only important thing? 

As I write this, I become more aware of the fact that you may feel what I've been describing about me. Who knows? How do we know if what we say online is an accurate representation of who we actually are? Or is the point actually to do the opposite, and allow ourselves to be something else? 

I'm not saying that social networks can only create a negative impression of a person. Just as often, I've gotten to like a person more upon seeing their posts and learning that we have more in common than I thought. 
I just find it hard to completely trust in the online persona, after having the experiences I described earlier.

In all honesty, there's a part of me that thinks social networking might actually be pretty unhealthy. I hate myself for wasting time trawling through often mindless posts and for actually caring. I also cringe at those who feel the need to share far too much. However, I still use facebook and twitter every day, probably only because everyone else does.

I can't come up with a definitive answer to my own question. Part of me is glad that I've been able to warn myself off of certain people, upon learning that they have no online boundaries. Part of me hates that I can slightly judge someone that is perfectly nice to talk to, because they can't spell or punctuate to save themselves.*

I would like your opinions on this issue, my online friends, which makes this post all sorts of ironic. Post a wee comment below. Promise I won't judge you for putting "xx" after it.

*This post really puts pressure on me to spell and punctuate properly doesn't it? Gulp.

A question of intelligence.

I have a question for you. Would you rather be intelligent and sad, or stupid and happy?

Now, of course, the term I'm using "stupid and happy" has a broader meaning. I don't mean just stupid. I mean ignorant, oblivious. Those sort of people that you meet in life who obviously haven't really thought much about the consequences of their actions, and show no sign that they ever will. Y'know?

They say that more intelligent people are more likely to suffer from depression. This is probably due to the fact that are more likely to be stressed and worried, by over-thinking parts of their lives for example their lifestyle, health, career, money or relationships. They're possibly more aware of the negatives aspects of life and have a more realistic attitude to their likelihood.

I don't mean to float my own boat at all, but I am one of those people. A worrier and an over-thinker. I can very easily bring myself down just by thinking too much about what might go wrong, what might not work out. Which I know is silly and a waste of time. It's a part of my brain that I really wish I could escape from.

So, and it may be ignorant of me to say this, but in some ways, wouldn't it be much easier to be a bit stupid? To not think, for once. To be too ignorant to realise that you'll never be a West-End star, or as hot as Beyonce, or a size 8, and therefore spend no time worrying about it? To be too wrapped up in yourself to worry? Or to be in a relationship that will probably never work out but be too naive to know? Wouldn't it be nice, in a way, to be unemployed, on the dole, and have no intention of ever changing that because you just didn't give a fuck? It probably would. (These are just some examples; I don't mean to stereotype or insult anyone.)

I mean, a prime example of this "stupid and happy" sort are children. Children are completely oblivious to all the bad in the world and are blissfully happy never having to. It's probably another reason why so many people are depressed; childhood fairytales made life seem so much more promising. And dogs. Dogs are happy as fuck, all the time, because they don't have a clue what's going on.

I'm just saying, wouldn't it maybe be nice to be free of your own troubling thoughts and worries, and just be...a bit stupid, even for one day?
I think it might.

Send your answers on a postcard. Or just comment below to save money on stamps.

Labels an' that.

HAPPY NEW YEAR.

I really didn't mean to not blog for over a month but life got in the way. I'm not really sure that anyone's exactly waiting for a post anyway but I do enjoy having a wee moan on here.

At the end of last year I was planning on writing a post about an issue I've pondered for a while now (which I will come to mention in a moment) but then someone went and changed my circumstances and now...well now it's thrown a whole new spanner in the works really.

The issue itself is more of a question to those in a relationship, and especially more long-term/established couples: do you struggle to say the word boyfriend/girlfriend?

I've been in a relationship for nearly 4 years now and this has never really gotten easier for me. I don't know what it is. Any time I have to mention Jake to someone new, who doesn't know his name, I find myself slightly cringing at having to say "my boyfriend." I think part of it is feeling like I seem self-important (a trait that I can't bear*) or boastful. There's nothing worse than those "MY boyfriend this and MY boyfriend that..." people is there?
But...he IS my boyfriend, and after 4 years surely I'd feel I've earned the right to say that?!

I also think it's partly because the meaning of the word boyfriend/girlfriend is too broad. It could be the word used to describe the relationship between two tweenagers in the playground and I don't feel that applies to Jake and I, who've lived together for 3 years and shared everything. It feels like there should be a better, more mature word than boyfriend, but not as boring as "partner." Y'know?

I don't think I'm the only one who's had this problem. I have noticed others cringing at the moment when they have to describe the status of their "significant other." I'm sure I have. 

I'd genuinely like some views on this. 

Anyway, originally I was planning on going further in-depth on this issue but then my damn boyfriend proposed to me and now he's my fucking fiancé.

*Girlish squeal*

This was a massive surprise and joyous, wonderful thing.

Honestly. 

How the fuck am I going to say fiancé?!!! 

"Boyfriend" was much easier than the most pretentious word in the world.

*I feel I should add that although I say I can't bear self-importance, that's basically all my blog is based on. Queen Hypocritius. 

Be prepared for a Gossip Girl blog soon as the last episode aired a month or so ago and I'm still feeling raw about it. Thank you please and goodnight.

A padded cell for one please.

Does anyone else seem to get ill/injured on good/planned days?

Over the years I have been getting more and more unfortunate with this.

To date, (and these are just the ones I can remember off the top of my head) I've had food poisoning when I was supposed to go on holiday, had an asthma attack at New Year, broke my front tooth on Boxing day, got hives (Yes, hives) before my first ever stage "part" at school, twisted my ankle on holiday, stood on a plug when getting ready for a work night out, had the flu for Jake's birthday, had the flu again for New year, had laryngitis on the first day of college, tore my hamstring (the first time) the day Jake started Uni, tore my hamstring (the second time) on my Gran's birthday and now have flared up the same hamstring injury again last night on CHRISTMAS DAY!!

ARRRRGHHHHHHHHHHH!
WHY?!

Sorry.
I just had to let that complete and utter frustration out.

Does this happen to anyone else? 
Seriously. I need to know if this is just me.

I'm already quite a clumsy fool in general but this is just the unfortunate sort of life I lead. Half of the time I don't think people believe me either. I should also mention that the above are just the things that happen on planned event days, these don't include the many many other accidents/injuries/illnesses I suffer annually. It seems to be getting worse each year. 

I will either fall over, burn myself, cut my finger, stub my toe, drop stuff on my feet at least once a week. I will also catch whatever virus is going around. 

I don't even know what to say.

It's not even as if I can say "I should just stay at home out of harms way" because at home is where 90% of this stuff happens. That includes all 3 of the hamstring injuries.

What do I actually do?

Send help. 
And paracetamol. 

My new attitude.

Recently I've been having trouble with my tolerance for others.
I apologise in advance for how very self-indulgent this is.

I used to be quite a sociable gal and moderately tolerant. This has become increasingly short over recent years, since becoming independent and having to deal with people on my own, since starting to work with the public and even more so since becoming involved in performing arts as a "career." I did predict this, but not to quite this extent. 

Sigh. Okay...
I may be wrong, but in my opinion, overall I'm a "nice" person. I mean well at least. I'm usually polite and respectful. I like to let people speak and wait for appropriate times to reply. I like to give people a chance to express their opinion and in return hope they'll let me express mine. I was brought up to value this sort of behaviour. I really do value manners. I also value honesty. Very much. Even if your honesty isn't what the person wants to hear (there are some obvious exceptions to this, like hurtful and unnecessary honesty) I think in most cases it's better than a lie. I am by no means perfect, I have had my moments like everyone else, and have been known to not know when to keep my mouth shut, but I do try to be these things as much as I can. I do quite well considering how often I'm put under circumstances where I'd rather not.

However, in the past few weeks, I've started to doubt my methods.
As I said, I was brought up to have manners and respect for others, but also only to tolerate a certain amount of aggravation before speaking up. When I was younger I used to find that really difficult. I was quite a shy wee girl and didn't like to get into arguments. I'd always back down because I was afraid of the conflict. This has changed gradually over the years, and if its really necessary I will speak up if there's a problem, but only after quite a bit of pushing, and only if I feel confident that the person in question wont punch me. I've gotten far better at it than ever, but still, there's work to be done.
In the past 4 years or so, I've started to become my own person, and not a silly teenager anymore. I've begun to learn who I am (and all that nonsense) and really think about what I want and who I want to be. 
Personally, I am inspired by people who speak their mind, people who aren't afraid to stand their ground even if no one stands on their side. People who wont take shit and will challenge something if they think its wrong. I am inspired by people who genuinely don't care what other people think of them because they are happy with who they are. People who have enough self-respect not to let people talk down to them.
I have become so aware lately that I'm not quite one of those people. Yet!

If you know me, you'll know I am by no means a wallflower, quite the opposite. I also have a line, and once you cross it you'll lose my respect forever. 
However, there have been too many occasions where inside I have been saying "Don't speak to me like that." or "What is your fucking problem?" but have said nothing. Or where I have sat in silence and listened to a conversation that I find disrespectful or in some cases fucking horrible and said nothing because well, it's easier not to have to live with tension isn't it? At the time I've thought that I was being the smarter one, not getting involved, but now it's starting to affect me. I'm starting to feel that I'm sacrificing myself in some ways by pretending.
I think the issue sometimes is that I'm really bad at falling out with people. I find it really awkward and unnatural to keep up the whole "I'm angry at you" thing. Sometimes I actually forget and am accidentally nice to them. (Unless of course it's something really bad.)
Then there's the fact that to some extent I do care what people think of me. I definitely don't need to be liked by everyone, but I do like to feel understood, and obviously it's nicer to be liked. I'd hate for someone to dislike me without giving me a chance but if they got to know me and just didn't fancy what I have to offer, then I suppose that's fine.
I'm rambling....
I guess what I'm trying to say is that what sometimes stops me from speaking up until a certain point is that I don't want to look like a right cow. (Or like one of those "opinionated" people who just disagree with everyone for the sake of it. Eurgh. Those people.)

I have decided today that a new attitude is in order.
From today I would like myself to say "Don't speak to me like that" or "You are out of order" or "I'm not happy with that" (see how fucking polite I am!) instead of saying nothing. I would like to take myself away and not associate myself with those that spark these feelings.
I have tended not to be so tolerant of the bad attitudes of customers at work of late. I realised I just don't care about the job enough to allow it. The first time I said "There's no need to be rude" it actually worked. She stopped being rude. Who'd have thought it?
Today I got myself away from a situation that I knew would lead to feeling this way. Then later, I (sort of) gave the same attitude back to someone who gave it to me (and has been giving it to me for several years now) for the first time (trust me they deserve it). 

These are baby steps, but to me these are positive steps towards the new attitude and being the sort of person I wish to be.

I have no idea how this will go. Honestly. It will probably take quite a lot of work for me to keep this new attitude up.

Promise I'll try and be funny next time. 

Also, I'd like people's opinions on this issue or any issue. Just bloody talk to me! 

:)

Festivus: the holiday for the rest of us.

Hello there, you wonderful human. I can tell you're wonderful because some part of your brain cares for my opinions.
KIDDING.

So, it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas. Shops are playing irritatingly joyful music and the ground is slippy as fuck.
I'm sorry. I used to love Christmas, but this year I'm just...I don't know...not quite feeling it so far.

I'm about to sound really boring and possibly pretentious but here goes.
In recent years, I've started to realise that celebrating Christmas makes me a bit of a hypocrite. I am by no means a christian or even religious at all. Why would I celebrate the birth of a child that I'm unsure even existed?
Then there's the fact that I sort of grudge the wastefulness and not entirely deserving indulgence of it all. Dont get me wrong, I enjoy buying gifts for people I love, but it's the pressure of feeling like we all have to because Jesus says so.

I've celebrated all my life because my family do but now that I'm an "adult" and make my own life decisions (well, I try) and all that, should I really bother? Technically I shouldn't.
However, I have several problems with this idea: I love eating, drinking and being merry (so much!), I love an excuse to watch The Muppets Christmas Carol/The Grinch and to spend time with my nearest and dearest.

I voiced these opinions to J* who told me to celebrate Atheist-mas instead, or as it's (sort of) officially known: "Festivus."
I looked up "Festivus" to discover that it is a "secular holiday celebrated as a way to commemorate the holiday season without participating in its pressures and commercialism" which to me sounded just perfect and exactly the excuse I needed. It is meant to be celebrated on the 23rd of December but...yeah that's not happening.

Christmas is obviously fun and lovely, and I enjoy it, but it seems like the best parts of it actually have nothing to do with why it exists in the first place.

I guess there are lots of people out there that only really celebrate Christmas because the people around them do and many of them probably haven't thought about it as much I have. Maybe I just need to care less and drink more?

So...what am I going to do at Christmas you ask?
Well, darn it, I'm going to wear a festive jumper, eat 'til I burst and drink 'til I need several naps just like the rest of you because, let's be honest, I can't actually think of anything better.

*I'm starting to think I should just call him Jake, as that's his name and no one cares enough to stalk my blog and then kidnap him. There you go.