Depressed and okay.

Hello. I have depression. 

Most of you already know that. It's no secret. For those of you who didn't, don't be afraid, saying all of this is a good thing. It helps, everyone, I believe.

I've accepted my illness, I've accepted that it blurs the lines between who I am and the ways in which I struggle. I've accepted that I'm going to have to live my life in a way that continually tries to cope with this, and that that's okay. What I'm finding hard to accept is how I'm still coming across people who refuse to see past the fact that on the surface I am a confident, happy person who enjoys life, and yet can also have depression; People that haven't experienced a mental illness and therefore refuse to believe that it can be anywhere near as bad as I (and many others) describe it to be. 

I'm taking some time off right now: I've finally accepted that I need it to recover, that I should listen to the advice that I would give another person. Continuing on with the theme of visibility from my last post, I feel I have to expand on a much more personal level. Again, this is for me, but also anyone else who needs it.

I feel that it needs to be made clear that yes, I'm a person who smiles and laughs and acts like a fool. I'm a person who spends hours (ridiculous I know) on her make up. I'm a person who can be the life and soul of the party. A person who shows enthusiasm. A person who shows love. Who can get up on stage and perform, who can be really motivated and productive, who can be creative, expressive.
But none of that takes away the fact that I'm also a person whose thoughts sometimes race around at a pace I can't keep up with, that can't always fully focus on a conversation because her brain is intent on concerning her with what the other person must be thinking. A person who often feels like they're walking around in a fog. A person who sometimes experiences stress in an inappropriately impactful way. That really struggles to be in a room where there's a lot of noise. That struggles to retain information because her brain is intent on worrying about trivial things that usually amount to nothing instead. That I'm a person whose mood sometimes goes from content to intensely irritable then to tearful in an hour. The fact that sometimes I have this ball of dread in my stomach, tingling in my legs, beads of sweat dripping down my back (nice) for no reason. That sometimes my brain tells me I'm useless, that life is hopeless and I try so hard to fight with these thoughts because I know it isn't true. That sometimes I don't know what to say or how to express anything. That being in a group of (especially new) people turns me into a quiet little weirdo because my brain keeps telling me they won't like me, even though I know that's not true either. That I want to say "sorry, I know I'm coming across as weird, quiet, apathetic, a bit useless, I just have depression." 

That all of this is only sometimes. That it's okay for me to not be okay. That it's okay for me to be both depressed and okay.

That I struggle almost every day on the inside. That I have no control over this, only coping methods. That probably 90% of these struggles are invisible.

Depression is much more than "sadness". Depression is also sometimes much less than lying on a heap on the floor. No matter whether it affects my life in a big or a small way that day, it's there.

It's okay not to understand, in fact in a way it's great: I'm so glad that you haven't had to feel this, but that doesn't mean it isn't valid for me, and every other person who lives with an invisible illness. You can never fully know what another person has gone through. Never forget that. Never take that away from anyone. Respect their experience, ask them about it, listen to what they need, be there, support them. That's all.

I've thought a lot about what "recovery" actually means for me, and what I intend to spend my time off doing in order to return to things feeling better. I came to the decision that during this time of recovery I want to focus my life around four themes: I want to do things that make me feel happy, feel hopeful, feel good about myself and that address my problems. Even better if I can cover all four themes at once. I'm going to try the best that I can, each day at a time to do that. Wish me luck.

I'm sorry if that was rant-y, and non-cohesive but I published the words as they came out and I'm okay with it.

A promise to progress.

In 2013, I realised something about myself that made me approach 2014 in a new way.

I left school six years ago, and my life has changed completely in that time. I barely feel like the same person at all. I am proud of who I am now, what I've been through personally, and how I've dealt with it. However, it hit me, that in that time, I have started loads of things, but barely finished or stuck with anything. 

If something gets too difficult, or is out of my comfort zone, I tend to want to run away, to give up, and usually I do. I've started everything from a novel, a diary, several different courses and never finished any of them. I've joined the gym and stopped going after 3 months. I've lost so much weight and put it all back on. 

Basically, I realised that...I'm a quitter. I didn't like to realise this about myself. I didn't want to be that person.

I figured, what is the point in being a human, if you aren't willing to try and learn, and to grow? So my "resolution" for 2014 was to make it the year I tried to change this. 

However, I didn't want to approach it as a resolution as such, more just a promise to myself, to try more than I have before. A promise to make progress. 

I wouldn't let being a little bit afraid of something, stop me from doing it altogether. I would try not giving up, and see how that worked out for once.

I focused on three projects with which to make progress for the year. 

My first was driving lessons. I'd never really wanted to do it before, because, basically, I was afraid. I didn't feel like I should be trusted to drive a vehicle. (To be honest, I don't even know if that has changed.) I'd never even practised. It was terrifying and my stomach lurched before every lesson. I was SO out of my comfort zone. I could quite easily have run away, but I didn't. I learned how to drive. Sadly, after 8 months of still never sitting my test, I started uni and ran out of spare time and money. I SWEAR, I don't want to give up. I don't intend to be one those people who never sits their test, and when I sort out my finances, I won't be. Even if I'm still shitting myself every time I'm behind the wheel, I'll do it.

Venture two was my one lifelong obstacle. With my new found attitude, I thought 2014 could finally be the year I lost that shitty excess weight that I seem to love carrying around so much. 
Well, I lost a stone, then put two back on. Fabulous. 

I know. This has been the story for many years. I am sick of even hearing myself talk about it now. It's old news. However, something changed in 2014 that I did not see coming. Basically, for the first time in my life, I gained confidence in myself that was not linked to my appearance. I think they call it INNER confidence(!) Who knew I could actually possess this if I wanted to?! (More on this on my blog soon.)

The last project was Uni. I'd been interested in nursing for years, and thought I could be good at it, but in hindsight, was too scared to go for it. Even when I was applying, my mind was telling me not to. "Nursing is serious shit. Can I handle it? Nope." I ignored these thoughts and went for it anyway. 

Getting in was a big achievement in itself for me.

Three months into the course and I've already felt like it would be easier to run away at times. I've went in and done things that my mind told me I couldn't. I had to work 28 days in a row because of placement and work. I also had to face the one thing that almost stopped me applying. I made myself do it, even though I was shitting myself, and I still can't quite believe that I did. 

I have no doubt that the hardest parts are yet to come, but so far I'm approaching this differently to anything I have before. Which can only be a good thing. 

Maybe none of this seems much, but to me it is. Knowing myself well enough by now, I didn't expect miracles, simply changes. You don't stop a lifelong habit in one go, but you can try, and that's what I did. If this year was about promising to make progress, then I truly feel that I did that. If it was about getting out of my comfort zone, and coping with how it made me feel instead of just quitting, I did that loads. I really am proud of that.

With 2015, I don't intend to focus on any new resolutions that I know I won't stick with. I simply want to keep building on this promise to progress. 

I think the most important thing that has happened to me in 2014 has been my new found inner confidence, and I truly want to hang onto and build on that for the rest of my life. I have much to say about it, which is why it requires its own post at a later date. 

If you're looking for yet another New Years resolution. You know you'll probably give up mid January again, so I would say try looking at it in another way. Don't imagine that the clock will strike midnight and you'll suddenly be a new you. Instead, simply make a promise to make progress. 
Progress to you might be something small, like learning how to cook something, finally finishing that book, or thinking "Fuck it" and wearing the dress you didn't quite have the balls to wear before. Maybe you're looking for bigger progress, amazing. Whatever your goals are, don't put pressure on yourself to achieve them all by the end of January, or even by the end of 2015, just promise yourself that you'll make progress. Give yourself credit (and/or a hug) when you do. 

Good luck, I believe in you.